So, as I stumbled out of bed this morning—literally stumbling, I was tangled up in the sheets—after just waking up and realizing that I had about twenty minutes to get out the door with my cat Ranger for his 8:15am vet appointment to have blood work done to check the state of his thyroid, what sight do you think would most gladden my heart?

If you had guessed my spouse unexpectedly returned from his business conference several hours early with a mug of coffee just the the way I like it and wearing nothing but a smirk, you would’ve been correct.

If, however, you guessed my other cat Kali standing expectantly at the bedroom threshold with a live bird in her jaws, you would’ve been wrong.

I automatically scruffed Kali to get her to drop the bird and—whaddya know?—it started to fly about the room, panic stricken.

Commence slapstick routine. I sprinted to the kitchen to grab the broom, opening the door to the stairway on the way in case, ya know, the bird got the bright idea of flying down it so the nice lady could then open the door and let it out. Which actually I was planning to do.

Why not just open a window you ask? Well, you see, our windows have these screens that I can’t figure out how to remove without destroying the screen in question. And even Kip is flummoxed by the ones in the bedroom.

I ran back, bumped my forehead on the door-frame and proceeded to try to guide the bird out the door with the broom.

Well. I soon saw the futility of that as it banged into walls and did wacky things like hide behind the stereo and then the stack of pillows on the bed (note to self, change sheets). Anywhere but out the door.

Giving up Plan A, I decided to let it stay behind the pillows, threw open the window and proceed to struggle with the screen. I had to pause in the middle of this in order to chase Kali out of the room as she was stalking the pillows.

I finally got the screen out with only minor damage to the frame (eep—sorry Kip) and started to carefully remove the pillows to reveal the bird. Which then flew up—and into my studio.

I grabbed a confused Kali—who must be thinking “ya know, mama, if you just let me have it there wouldn’t be all this flying around and bumping into shit”—in order to flush the poor thing out. Kali’s presence was sufficient to get it flying back into the bedroom. I closed all relevant doors and trying to guide it to this nice big open window I made for it. I even tried to demonstrate the concept by swooping the broom through the window. Which I guess worked, ’cause then out it flew.

I was very pleased with myself.

Until I realized I had only five minutes to shower, get dressed and out the door with the cranky and now confused Ranger.

Now I’m back. Still no coffee. And I can’t stop wondering where that hapless bird took a crap in my home. Sigh.

Oh well, at least Dylan seems to like the fill-in I did for this week’s Bite Me!

And Bill has begun his epic opus.

Hmmm…. actually that last bit needs its own mention, hold on….