So I find myself at a tail end of a depression for things I’ve already posted about and a dozen other reasons. It’s passing, I’m healing, I don’t suffer from Depression. It still really sucks right now and I’d rather not but there’s no way for it but through it.

I’m hoping this is a purge of residue emotion that will carry me through until at least January 5th, 2004. Because there’s nothing like the turmoil of the Holiday Season as it is. People are just all set to express intense emotion: Joy, Grief, Anger, Resentment, and so on. Nevermind the stress, nor the high expectations people set for this time of year.

And, yeah, Depression. I always worry about the effects of this on people around this time of year. Thankfully, those friends of mine who I know are clinically depressed tend to express it clearly, which, while I’m not pleased by what they are going through, I am relieved and comforted. Those suicides I’ve had any contact with tend to be talking about anything but sadness, usually cheerfully outlining how great their life is and all their plans, but omit mentioning that trip to the ammo store.*

And depression is a weird topic in our society. It’s ugly and people don’t want to be troubled or confronted with it. Which, like with so many other topics, sex and drugs among them, vacillate wildly between not being discussed or over compensated for. And measured by unrealistic societal guidelines.

Example. Kip and I spent last Christmas totally on our own, we planned it that way, gleefully. And just about everybody responded about what a shame, such a pity and did your plans fall through? You know, it’s those kind of reactions and expectations that can spend people into turmoil, doubt and depression. Not that it had that effect, by the way, we had grand old time: pajamas on the couch with many blankets, pillows, pressies, treats and movies.

Also, some people have a weird idea of what depression looks like. Right now, I’m depressed, it doesn’t mean I’m always in tears or that I won’t crack wise or have a joyous moment—mostly it means that my neutral state is, well, depressed. (Normally I think it’s bemused) Thankfully it’s not a position I’m locked in, unlike some of my friends and family.

I’m always amazed how physical emotions are. About whatever series of chemicals and motor reactions kick in as signals. Which everybody feels. So I’m also amazed when people who would think nothing of taking an asprin condemn or cannot comprehend why some people need medication to help adjust their personal mix when the trigger for sad won’t turn off. I mean, painkillers are there to supplement or make up for the slowness of our own natural opiates, I personally don’t take them at every ache. Not that I’ve not known cases of magic pill prescribing, that is, no one wants to really deal with the problem, or misdiagnosis, but that’s true for most every medical problem.

There’s this almost violent rejection of sadness that I see. It’s seen as a weakness, worse than anger which has the advantage at times of being righteous. More than once I’ve had people complain about the uselessness of being sad, that it serves no purpose. I disagree. Without sadness, there would be no compassion, and if you think things are bad now…

*Three of the successful suicides I’ve known used guns.